WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
