The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
