Someone shit on the floor
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Randomize
