i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
