You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
