I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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