If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
