Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
