He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
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