He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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