areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
