i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
