You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
