he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Randomize
