Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
