True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
