I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
