my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
