I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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