I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
