it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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