I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
