I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
