You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
