im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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