so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
