Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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