Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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