I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
