I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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