Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Small penises have feelings too.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
