You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Randomize
