Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
