i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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