we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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