I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
