Can i not drive my cunt home
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize
