sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
