She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
