dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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