i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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