Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
