you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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