And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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