Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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