note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
