hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
