She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
