rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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