I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
